New Journey

Well my friends, much has changed in the time since I last wrote. As I do in these blogs, I apologize for the gap in correspondence and thank you for your patience.



I will give you a quick overview of what has happened in the last six weeks or so and expand on it all later on in this entry.



After a few months of questioning and reflection I have decided to return home to Florida. In the end, my heart was not where it needed to be, nor was I present to my community or my neighbors, much less myself in Ecuador. I had little peace and recognized that it is not the right time in my life to be a volunteer. I have spoken to God in detail about my struggle but did a poor job of using my community in Ecuador to figure out my path. I have a peace about me now however as I am at home with my family, and while the future is unknown, I am growing in confidence every day. But before I delve into my transition in detail I want to write a little about all the things that happened in my last month and a half in Duran.



After Christmas, Nate, Daniel, Marie and I took a trip to the Amazon Rain Forest for about four days. It was quite an amazing time. We canoed, white water rafted, swam in a river, ate fresh fish, swam by a waterfall, hiked, saw trees, felt rain, Daneil and Nate played with a very very large snake, we wore boots and were bitten by insects, we blew blow darts, fought a jaguar and saw an ancient healing technique performed by a high chief. It was amazing.



We were usually traveling in a tributary to a tributary of the AMAZON RIVER, and at one point were in simply a tributary of the Amazon, the Rivers Puyo and Pastaza, respectively. But it was quite a joyful experience, we took many videos and pictures, much of which I hope to place on Youtube at some point soon. But if you have the time, I suggest a trip to the Amazon, and if you have the money, take a plane or canoe deep in so that you can see a Boa (possibly).

Videos: There are four parts
http://youtube.com/results?search_query=Rostro+de+la+Amazona&search_type=



When we returned for New Year's, I prepared to guide a retreat group from Holy Family University in Philadelphia. This group of ten friends of mine were very special. Many had not had an experience outside of the country, let alone one surrounded on immersion in a foreign and developing nation. To see a groups of individuals grow dramatically and in a short period of time is quite inspiring. To see the vulnerability and the humanity each of the ten expressed, as the grew with God, one another and those in Ecuador was simply awesome.

It is wild how much we can change after our eyes have convinced us of a new truth. I wonder how the eyes became the most trusted sense for many. Granted it is easier to lie with our words than to lie with our visual manipulations. I mean, it is much more difficult to create a scenic lie. I wonder at what point the blind person realized that they could trust their other senses to give them accurate information.

But yet, it happens often, these scenic lies. Maybe it is because we see so many of these lies, fed to us by the media, by our society and experience, that we have to find the scenic truth. And when we see that truth, it just makes that much more sense, because as we are living in our world which pleads us to believe that all is good in the world, we recognize that something really is missing, and we find that missing piece when we see a new world. Sorry, I'm getting off on tangents again...

But currently, most of us are the types that must see to believe. And it is not to say that the HFU friends would not have believed had they not seen, it is quite possible, but it affirmed in me the reality that many will need to see to let their heart and their mind unite with the heart of the world.

The trip was fantastic, and it got me thinking of who else I thought of who else might benefit from trips like that. Of course, the rising strength of the college educated is needed, but then thinking (and this ties in to my new understandings of how business is related to the structural sin and pain of the world) that business executives need to be taking trips like this. Not for guilt, that is not going to be sustainable and just cause more anger, but to remind them that we are all the same. AND! to remind those that are visited that we are all the same. There is so much damn separation between people, concerned about the team they are a part of, wanting to be the ones with the power, security and joy. So much separation that we hurt ourselves more than necessary. Look at the way Democrats and Republicans fight each other in order to stay loyal. I mean if people really cared about this country, even without thinking of foreign policy and our relation to the world, they would stop worry about which party said which thing and look at the individuals and determine which will give this country what it needs. Yes, Dems and Reps have different interests and that is why they can fit into two groups, but those ready to stay in one group have stopped short and sold themselves a little so that they can have something that assures a sense of belonging.

The point is, it doesn't matter who gets the good things done, as long as they happen, and they are done correctly, that is to say, justly.

But I digress...

Now, as for me...why am I home? Well, the short answer is my heart was not in the place it needed to be, not within myself nor in Ecuador. There was little peace in my heart and much distress about the person I was. I was not in a place where I could give of myself to others, and I was finding it hard to give of myself to myself. I was not taking care of myself nor did I use my community well for support. Parts of it were handled poorly, to say the least. But I spoke with God, I listened to my heart, and I questioned what things were calling me at this point in my life. Much of it had to do with family at home, and other pieces had to do with listening to this unhealthy discomfort that was within me while I was in Ecuador. It was not where I was supposed to be.

Now I am home, having picked up a job and studying for the GREs to apply to graduate school. For Lent, I have decided to allot concrete time to talk to God. Our relationship has gone up and down over the years. Many of the times I have stepped away from God are because man has created some pain that I don't understand. Typically that which I don't understand is answered by God, but I do not believe in a God who creates unjust suffering. I feel at peace at home.

If you will, bear with me through this impromptu analogy. It is as if, there is a high dive. And God is at the top of the high dive. But the purpose of the high dive is not so much to jump off but to enjoy the peace that is at the top. And it is not just me and God up there, everyone is up there! I can't see them though. And sometimes, there are what seem to be forces, pushing me closer to the edge, and the board bends downward, and sometimes, I get pushed off. And I fall, and hit the water and have to swim to survive. And since I can only see God at the top, my initial thought is to blame God. And then when I look to re-climb, the high dive seems higher and farther away then before. But what I'm forgetting too is that there are others who are willing to help me, and God isn't up at the top waiting for me, rather, God is climbing up with me, just hanging out, trying to get up there with everyone else so that we can all see the glory, the big picture if you will, together.

No se...I'm trying to understand many things, as we all are. And I am trying to live as well. Knowledge really is power. With knowledge and understanding on how to act with one another as humans. Faith is then the confidence we need to be able to walk with God and one another to create the good things we each hope for.

If only we could "see" others in the world, as that one person we would do anything for. If only we could "see" others as the person we see God in every time we meet eyes. If only we could "see" others as the joyous beauty that God intended for us. Our purpose here on earth, while it maybe has been in part to understand relativity, must have been something that we all could do. And it must have been something ahistorical. So what things have been true throughout time, relationships and Nature. That is where God is and where we can find peace. We don't have to be best friends with everyone nor have the same affection for all that we do with our lover, but recognizing God in each would give us that unconditional love that would allow us all to grow and prosper in the way that we will be fulfilled.

We will hurt, and the purpose is not to live free of pain or struggle. Rather I think it is much more closely related to coming together when we are hurt so that in our weakness we may know one another, be vulnerable, which is to be human, and to love one another so that we grow in strength.

As for me, I'm here, and I'll be around. I'm not sure if I will continue blogging, but for what it is worth, you have not heard the last from me.

Peace and Love.