He Lives

Ah yes, so the first period of extended time without a blog has passed...my apologizes. I can assure though, because of time constraints, confusion in my head and exhaustion, this entry will be incoherent to many, myself included haha...

So there I am visiting a woman, Mariela, at her home as part of my job in the morning. We go, Christina and I, to the homes of women who have taken out loans, and spend time with them, conversing, cooking and often eating. It is Tuesday, the day after her son´s birthday and the family has a chicken outside ready to be cooked. But, ready is an understatement, because it is alive. I hear, ¨let´s go kill the chicken.¨ And I say, ¨I want to go kill the chicken! Can I watch you kill the chicken?¨ Mariela, who really is amazing, said, ¨Of course!¨ Now granted, this experience is exotic for me, but common around these parts.

So Mariela makes a hole in the ground (to drain the blood), holds the head while her friend holds the rest of the chicken. I will spare the details, but we killed it and it was quite interesting. It is the second animal here I have taken an pretty active role in killing. After it was dead though, I helped defeather it, which was pretty interesting. To make a long story short, we ate it in a soup, (I had one of the feet) and it tastes that much better when you are involved in the entire process. I would equate it to making your own batch of brownies. Much better than when someone makes them, or than when you buy them, because after all, you were a part of the process...maybe it is not exactly like that, because one was a live and one is chocolate, but you get the idea.

So, the struggles right...crazy stuff going on in my head. At times, I like to think I cannot be surprised by much, that I have seen poverty and the effects of violent repression, and that I have seen crazy things and believed those I would not have had confidence in at first glance. However, I know this mentality is presumptious and naive. I am young and albeit having seen much and experienced a lot, there is much more to see and learn. I am always learning. But to say I am not surprised, keeps my heart closed, and that is where I am at.

I used to live with my heart a hundred percent. I dove in and invested my full self. Then, things happened, and what I had invested in was taken away, either by choice or ¨chance¨or experience, and it hurt. Specifically, experiences in El Salvador really messed up my faith in God and in humans. As a result, I have had difficulty investing in myself, much less those around me. It has been quite difficult for me, as I know it is for everyone at certain times, to be vulnerable. I am afraid of being perceived as weak. But I know, that his vulnerability, which is to say humanity, only makes us stronger. Regardless, I am scarred. I want others to be vulnerable too, but if I am going to be a leader, I must lead by example, right?

My heart is not as open as it could be. Not to those around me, and not to those I encounter on a daily basis. I know the vast majority of that is a fear. I, as I have said to many, am a person of extremes and it is difficult for me to balance myself. In El Salvador, I let the pain that was violence and poverty enter me and it deflated me. I was of little good to myself or others, so I thought anyway. I don´t want that to happen here. I want to be able to be true and open but also keep from crumbling. I do not think there is a certain time frame for which I should be hurting or joyful or aware, we will say, but I do know I should be living with a more open heart, fearless of intimacy and pain.

I also know I am hard on myself, but these are the thoughts on my mind and in my heart. You see, I have tried to answer much with my mind, and I will continue to do so. Reason is a gift we have, and it is something we can all relate too. But we can also all relate to the heart. You see, I am forgetting this aspect. I am forgetting, that while we are not of all the same religion or faith, we all still have faith (in something anyway) and more importantly, we all still live with heart. We all live with the same capacity to love, and we all live with the same capacity to be human. I know the heart, the spirit, are nourishing, but I also know that they are somewhat intangible compared to what we are familiar with, and so it is scarier.

I am not saying, once again, that I must cry here to be vulnerable, or that letting others in will ¨fix¨ anything, because that is not the point. What I am saying is to be vulnerable is to be human, which is to be present, which is to love. A love for both yourself and the other.

Related, but bare with me...speaking of the oppressed and oppressors again. I want to trust the oppressed, to be equal as possible and aid in justice. If I am not an oppressors I am than part of the oppressed. But at the same time, my mentality, while it is wrong, has been to oppress the oppressors, not overtly, but through manipulation. You see, for me the oppressors, and we will talk about the economically oppressive right now, search for profits rather than the benefit of people. Therefore, to have them be just with their employees, I figure we must make a strategy that shows that just wages for example, benefits the owner, often an oppressors. (I know this is a lot of generalization, but think of the main idea here). But this manipulation does not change the spirit. What good is it if the oppressor gives the oppressed means, but no respect or dignity?

Sure, we could say that with economic means, more of the oppressed could have education, better hygiene, food and living conditions, which in turn, might give more of an apperance that is ¨respectible¨ for the oppressors, but it does not change the heart. The heart is changed by friendship. Will the oppressors just become friends with the oppressed, no, but maybe there can me ¨ambassadors¨ we will say, who are friends with both sides (while inevitably being on one side or the other at different moments) and can aid in a changing of heart of one or the other.

The point is, mind and heart must go together. To just change the heart would take too long for me and my human patience. I want to change the heart but I also want concrete social change, justice and dignity. We must go with faith, for me, in God, which is Love (not exclusive to any religion), which encourages us and feeds us to take concrete action. Action rooted in Love. Some say, Ad Majorem Dei Glorium, for the greater glory of God. Others just say praxis which is reflection and action. It is all the same so long as it is rooted in Love.

And so that is where I am at....young thoughts yes, I have much more to learn...and I have to work on this intimacy thing, especially if I find it integral to humanity. The truth is, all things in Nature, us included, have a specific purpose, just as all of us have a specific purpose, shown by our talents and passions, and we must share in them. This too, is rooted in Love.

I am going to the beach this weekend for a retreat, I plan on it being sweet. In great part because, as I have aged, I have grown to enjoy the beach more completely. And living on the Gulf of Mexico, we don´t get the waves you find in the Pacific. And yes mom, I will watch out for the currents and undertoe. Haha, ok friends, peace always, and I will try not to oppress, myself, my heart or others. CHAU!